When the countdown nears 0 days, the butterflies begin to dance around your stomach, your cheeks become sore from smiling so much, and there's a sense of peace that drops over you because you're finally marrying the love of your life.
This is the best time of your life, and you could not be more overjoyed.
Suddenly, sadness starts to hit you like a tidal wave that came without warning. The tears start flowing and cannot stop. You can't breathe, and everything else starts to feel heavy. There's an empty void that cannot be filled, and your chest begins to break in two.
This was the best time of your life, but now it's all starting to hit you in a million pieces.
The one person who should be here- your rock, your stability in an uneasy balance, the glue that has held you together- is not here. Your mom.
...
It's no secret that I have been through more obstacles than I'd like to admit. Several of these obstacles occurred when I least expected them, like a slap of reality when I finally get something good happening to me, and then it's taken back like a toy on a string. Everything is temporary- happiness and sadness included. During my engagement era, I've been feeling the lowest of lows, like I've never imagined before.
So throughout this Engaged Era, I have been struggling significantly to just find happiness, to be excited, to find some sense of purpose. But the one thing I have felt that's been a constant is missing my mom.
Whenever it comes to my parents, I can't fathom my emotions. I can't cry when I'm sad, I just sit there absorbing every ounce of emotion until it fades into nothing. I am sad, and it's painful to sit here trying to explain my emotions.
There's a numbness, but it's an utterly painful kind of numbness, like I'm an empathetic sorcerer who can't seem to find my way out of this prison cell.
There are so many emotions from my childhood that circle through my head, like an endless loop of home videos, and I can't grasp that it's never going to happen again.
So, yes, this has been such a magical time of my life, but I miss my mom. I miss the days when we would take a walk and talk about my feelings, and she'd always have the right thing to say. I miss when I could just cry in her arms and hear her say, "It's all gonna work out okay."
Despite this sting and the empty void I feel in my chest, she would want me to celebrate this day with every ounce of happiness- because it's okay to be sad, but you don't want the sadness to steal that happiness away.
I miss her dearly, especially now, and the pain stings more than you will ever imagine. No matter what the circumstances, she is with me every single step of the way. And I need to hold onto this hope that she is still guiding me through.
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