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four years later...

 There is a sense of hope that I am feeling in the air. Many years of unresolved tension have finally been put to rest, and now I try to sleep soundly at night. Four years of nothing but ups and downs, lefts and rights, and it took one conversation to finally give me the peace I had been searching for all along. If I am being completely honest, right now I feel nothing but peace and confusion all at the same time. I am wide awake with the sound of the rain hitting the ground. The pouring rain represents every single feeling I have had hidden in my core, finally being released as a thunderstorm- chaotic and unnecessary, but calm once it is finished. I finally snapped. 

I was once trying to become a girl that I was not. I was willing to change my entire life and being for one person, ignoring the toxicity of it all. Ups and downs, lefts and rights, and one conversation- a conversation that made me realize my worth is much greater than the effort I was putting in and not receiving. After that, I finally had the awareness that I must move on to get the peace and closure that I needed. 

It was not easy, and it still really is not. We need to stop telling ourselves that "soulmates" are the toxic people who keep coming in and out of our lives, and who only fuck us over time and time again. There is a fine line between romance and friendship. You can be friends with someone so great, but sometimes a friendship is all this relationship will ever be. Friends can give you shit and make fun of you just because they are the ones who love you but only in a platonic way. 

So, as I am sitting here at three in the morning, I realize that maybe good and better things are going to happen for me soon. I am only 22 and I have my entire life to continue making mistakes. I am happy that I finally got over something that could have done more harm to me than good. I am happy that I opened myself up to someone new, who reminded me that I am a good person even after wasting years of my life trying to change who I was. I do not hate anyone, as much as I would really like to. Every single person on this earth that has walked into my life did so for a reason. We are all learning how to venture into this crazy world, even at the darkest of times. Right now, I am going to fully embrace who I am, who I am becoming, and who I will be in the future. I am okay right now, but tomorrow may be different. Remember, it is okay to not be okay, and it is okay to feel pain in your heart. Always remember, you have a wonderful support system standing right beside you through every single obstacle you are facing. 

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